Recently another anniversary of my mother’s death has passed. For the first time in many years I felt the pain that I felt when her passing was new and sharp. I spent a few hours late in the evening sitting under the stars here in Afghanistan thinking about her and about the empty space in my heart that was left by her passing. I thought about whether or not she would be proud of me. I know the answer to that question because her heart was full of love and she always told me that no matter what transpired in my life, she would be there and she would love me. Many times I relied on her comforting hugs at moments in my life when I made poor decisions, awful mistakes, or went to her for advice that simply no one else could provide.
My mother was simply the most complex, and amazing person I have ever known and the pain in my heart is great. Because even though I know she is proud of me, I will never hear her say those words. I have once concrete memories that are beginning to fade and tatter over time. One of my greatest fears is that I will forget. I want to believe again that the sum of my life is greater than its parts. That I am as good hearted as the boy she raised, that I am living a life she would be proud of even as chaotic as it seems to everyone else.
Her last spoken words to me were calling me Kitty Cat. Her brain engulfed with a losing battle with Cancer she responded to my presence in the hospital room by calling out Kitty Cat. Her closest friend, always by her side, always there, especially during those last few years was our cat, Kitty Cat. That is one memory I will never forget and one I will cherish. Just as she had called out in the night a few evenings prior, ”Don’t let them take my baby away” would be a clue that there was another child out there that my brother and sister did not know, but would eventually meet. I hope that if she could not locate my name in her ravished memory that she found a way to communicate in a way that meant the same.
Why am I writing about this? Because I do not want to forget. No matter how many years I spend away from my family fighting wars, I will not forget the soul from which I was born and is within me. I hope I do truly make her proud.
